June 26th 2020

do you ever question your reality? i suppose i do. sitting and wondering, thinking. i wonder if things are real or fake. if theyre really watching me. if they are actually waiting. i can't know. i'll never know. i wonder how it feels sometimes to actually do it. have the wind in my hair and everything. i get shivers...but it would be nice. im getting more paranoid every few days. i feel like i can see the eyes. i can feel them.

at least we're watching a movie. maybe ill feel at peace for a little then. this is just my first one...so i'll keep it short. i should go.

Feburary 5th 2021

it's been a while. i was in a horrible mental state when i made this page. ive been in horrible mental states off and off since then, but i forgot about this. im not doing good again. im 15 now. im depressed. i thought the abuse was over but i realised im getting gaslit. its never over, is it? guess not. i love my mother. i would die for her. but i assume she has bpd and the mood swings are killing me. i think i have bpd too. it would explain everything about me. strangers on the internet love to say its teenage hormones. ive seen normal teenagers. even at their worst. theyre childish. not like me. no one gets it, which is odd, because they love saying that. i dont feel human. i dont feel ok when i go outside and see other people. im not..like them? i dont feel normal. its not normal to have a screaming fit because you couldnt buy a game. because you thought your mother was lying to you. to cut into your inner tissue because you couldnt do a simple task. rapid mood switches every day. i cant get out of bed. i havent done school in almost 4 weeks. im supposed to go tomorrow. i dont want to.

on a side note, looking at the last entry, i get how i felt. i love the creepypasta fandom. have ever since i was a nine year old. jeff was always my favourite. ironic, i changed my name to toby after ticci toby. ive never related to a fictional character more, so i thought why not. i still like it. but, theres one thing. whenever i try get into the creepypasata fandom again, they strike. the delusions. the paranoia. the feeling sick, the feeling insane. i remember, when i got back into the creepypasta fandom a while ago, around october? or a little before, in 2020, i had my first major delusion. yknow HABIT, right? he was coming after me. in my bedroom. i couldnt move. i knew if i moved, i would be dead. he would kill me. i stayed like that for 5 or 10 minutes. it felt like forever. i was sobbing so hard. i thought reality was going to shatter. im not sure how to feel after that, even now. it wasnt real. but what if it was. i used to say slender was real when i was a child. its not true, and i know that. but maybe, if he was, i could find a reason.

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