it's been 2 years since i last worked on this site. i was a kid, because 2 years can really make a difference. mental maturity. i was also ill. bad place mentally
and had an awful relationship with my mother. while i'm not as turbluent, i can't say i'm not any less ill. the reason i decided to start writing in my virtual diary again though, is a thing that's new in my life. something i haven't
had much experience with.
the new jeffery dahmer series on netflix came out last night. i couldn't sleep; and so i watched it. all. in one sitting.
i've never been a good person. i dont really think i am a good person. my interests are strange, unusual, and disturbing. i've been attracted to fictional serial
killers before and often made excuses and sympathised with those in the tcc community. i never expected to be part of it myself. (though thats debatable)
when i was watching the series, i found myself attracted to him. this is half because he is played by even peters, but also
because i just...was.
do not get me wrong. when the boys got murdered, i cried. i felt horrible for them. for their families. for the fact their life was taken away so so early. and for
no reason at all. i'm not a monster; i have empathy.
but i felt something for jeffery, as well. i related to him, in a way.
i read his wikipedia, watched his interviews. looked up who He actually was. he reminded me of myself in some tiny, sick way. i know the 'i can fix him' stuff is a
joke. a meme. something funny. but maybe it's because i'm sick. i don't know. but i wanted to be there for him. i wanted to be what he wanted. so he wouldn't have to kill people anymore.
i wanted him. i still do. and it feels awful to say. but it's true.
maybe it's because i'm mentally ill. maybe it's because im trans and i know he only Killed men, so that would solidify my status and
insecurity as a trans man. maybe it's because i have a murder fetish. some kind of sick fantasy about being used by other men. maybe because it's i find his fantasy about submissive men attractive and i wanted to satisfy someone. be useful to someone. i don't know.
i'm just really sick.
i can't really stop thinking about him. i know i shouldn't. he hurt people, destoryed lives. but my brain doesn't seem to care about that.
i'm a really sick boy. i know that. but i feel as if im connected to him somehow. some dude who died when my mom was
a teenager. i care about him. rewatching the series is something i keep doing. certain scenes on replay. over and over again round and round in my sick little head because i'm never going to be normal.
i don't think i would've minded if he killed me.
it's only been a day but i've managed to dig myself further into the rabbit hole. i'm concerned about it, to be honest with you. it puts this pit in my stomach.
but at the same time, i know im sick already. so what's one more wrong with me gonna do? i downloaded about 5 edits of him on my phone. i was smiling. giggling like a schoolboy. i am a schoolboy, but take that how you will. i ended up looking for home videos of him and looking
up at my phone. thinking about what it would be like to have him look at me. be in the same room as him. feel his hands. his hair. i know i'm ill. i know i am. but i want him so badly. i relate to what he said and i can't help but feeling like i'm his match. no matter how fucked up that is to other people. i used to always look at tcc people and think they were a bit weird, but they aren't hurting anyone.
i never would've expected to be one of them. of course i feel for his victims. they had no reason to die. they should still be alive today. but there was a reason they died in his mind, because they weren't what he wanted.
and i can be that. i am that. i have always been that. i wanna be there. just for him.
so, its been a whole 3 days. i felt kind of disgusted with myself today. i guess. but a little like 'who cares?' at the same time. a bit desensitised. i recently joined tcctwt and im glad to see others who are the same
as me. i know others say 'why do you like him? its disgusting. he would've killed you yk'. but like i said, i wouldn't even mind dying by him. it's something beautiful, to be considered handsome even in death.
i felt a little bit disgusted because of how much i've changed in so little time. a week ago i would've never looked at a serial killer and blissfully sighed like a crushing teenager. i did today. many times.
jeff's home videos, his court trial, arrest photos, everything. he means so much to me now when i just thought he was an interesting murderer for the rest of my life.
but i understand him. i've been messed up my whole life, really. i also have bpd. im an animal lover, espically as a kid. i was obsessed with them. i hurt a few, which is something im not proud of. i feel a deep connection to him when he talks.
joining tcctwt made things a litle strange. he wasn't 'mine' anymore. other people love him too. but as long as i know that in my mind, i know him in a special way, it's okay.
he just makes me happy. he makes my face go red. it's a stupid little fantasy but i saw a lot of photos of his apartment today, so i imagined being in it with him. espically on the bed watching the exorcist. i also saw
a picture of him in the police station, his mugshots, and i compared my height to his. it's really stupid but as a short boy who only goes up to his lips (?) it made me giggle.
i feel like i've been in a weird place recently. just started college. my anxeity is improving i guess, but depression was getting worse. i was beginning to lose interest in everything. in bed
for hours, doing nothing. it was starting to take a toll on me. i've had childhood depression, and have had it since 11, it's never gone away. i don't think it's ever going to. but it's gotten better. ever since i found jeff and became part
of the tcc. all the photos of him on my computer and edits on my phone make me smile so much. people can say what they want. i know im sick. but he makes me so happy and i miss him.
so, it's been 4 days. they're really long now. maybe it's because of my flu, or maybe it's because this is a new hyperfixation and i spent all my days looking at content and in the community and nothing else.
maybe it's both, i don't know. tcctwt is amazing, i really feel at home to be honest. i've met some lovely people and love sharing my edits and thoughts on there. there's some antis but honestly
not many. even if this fades, i'm probably never gonna forget being there. it's my most welcome twitter exprience so far.
anyway, it's really becoming more apparent how much this all means to me. on one hand, i have jeffrey, and honestly i don't even know how to explain half of it. it feels like we have this insanely deep connection, i guess?
like i already knew him and have this overwhelming feelings of missing him and loving him. his actions were horrible, but he wasn't just his actions, he was a person. he still is a person. i just care about him a lot. aside from caring for him, i realised how much
i honestly relate to him. when i was a kid, i had a lot of expriences towards people leaving me. i would lock my front door and force friends to stay with me, even when they cried. i would hurt them when they got away. i hurt pets sometimes too, when they wanted to leave me.
i still deal with issues of people leaving me but i try to get over it. i'm still trying. i'm not saying i'd do what he did, but i understand him. i think i really do.
apart from jeff, i've really taken an interest in andrew blaze too. she's honestly like me a lot, and i really relate to her. i feel like i've been through a lot of what she has. i'm learning more about her case right now and trying to put effort into it. no matter where she is right now, i hope she knows she's loved and people care about her.
i'm still sick, and couldn't go to school today, which is shit. but yknow, i have to get better first. but that's probably One of the only negative things today. i'll get to the other later.
apart from that, i felt really good this morning. i havent been eating at all because of how sick i've been feeling, and today my mom told me she could see i lost quite a bit of weight. a few pounds in like, 3 days? which is really amazong
for me. i'm proud of it. i just have to keep up eating wayyy less than usual, and when i do, fish and eggs and stuff. i can start to build muscle. also the urge to smoke has been killing me recently.
i honestly might start. but trying to put it off since i know it can really destroy my body. as well as drink. but i find most drinks disgusting except for gin so i think i'll be fine on that front.
i've been feeling a little empty otherwise though. mostly because jeff is dead. i know he said he should be dead for what he did, and what he did was awful. but seeing him mention how depressed he was in his prsion
letters is honestly making ME feel like shit. i don't know. i just wish he was happy. that's all.
it honestly really becomes more apparent everday how distant i feel to everyone else. to the rest of society. tcc is lovely and all, and there are about 3 people i really connect to on there,
but the rest i just don't relate to that well. it can be their opinions or their personality, but sometimes i just really dont like them.
i've done a few other things today, mainly research a lot about mass killers, mainly school shooters. i've become interested in school shooting recently. the aesthetic of it, all the handsome guns,
the power of it, the vastly different reasons you can have for doing it, the infaminty you get from it, the fact your dead body with a gunshot wound to the head will most
likely be released to the internet. the whole thing is just so interesting to me. i don't think i'd ever shoot up a school. i don't think so. i'd be too scared of getting caught or going to hell for hurting all those people.
also the fact i may start to feel empathy in the moment and i would cry for the people i killed. i don't know if i actually DO experience empathy.
when i've had dreams about killing people in the past, i've only ever cried because i was scared i'd go to jail or hell. i get upset when people i care about are upset, but often i wish they'd just shut up.
often i don't want people unless they can give me what i want. but at the same time, i want nothing more than to spend time with them and love them. until i want them to do things for me.
then i get mad. often unnesscary anger. but it's just so in the moment i can't escape it. i don't know if i'm a good person.
this stuff sounds really edgy. it's just my diary, okay?
also, forgot to mention, i was gonna say it's 'scary', but more like surprising, how easy restricting has become for me. i've sworn to lose weight in the past. eat only 900 cals a day. 1 meal, nothing else.
i gave up often after the first day. i've always had issues with weight. all it took was one flu, which made me not hunry at all, ordering scales, realising how disgusting my weight was,
now i successfully eat about only 3 things a day. this past 2 days its usually been chips, 1 biscuit, and a small plate of pasta. im underfeeding myself for my bmi, but it's alright.
today not much happened. just some more devlopemnts i suppose. im already the odd one out in school, and today in history i was just constantly on my phone, too scared to get my book out,
just on tcctwt. i know the boys at my table think i'm a freak. they've whispered about me once or twice. when i was in there today, i felt so alienated. so strange. so different.
i felt like i was on a different level to those kids in there. like i couldn't relate to any of them at all. the dead bodies of school shooters saved on my phone gallery and gore pictures on my timeline. i'm not
saying it to sound edgy. god knows there are far more edgier people out there than me. in that moment, i just felt like no matter who they were, who i was, we could never be on the same wave legnth. so i left.
not much else happened. i got home hours later and most chilled out. learned more about pekka and made an edit. just once again felt strange late on in the night how me and a mutual
were drooling about the idea of a shooters corspe pic being leaked. it reminded me how non normal it is, i guess. wanting to see a shooters dead body because you love him. again, not to sound edgy. honest observation. that's all for tonight.
